Over the years, I've always remind myself to choose the path that leaves me with no regrets, somehow or rather when walking this difficult path in life I always leave some regrets here and there. Everything seems so unclear and misleading at times. Someone told me my life is like a game however its a game not created by myself and a game with rules that I do not even knew about it. It has been years since I met someone like you. Now that someone I met is like another you. This person treats me like how you treated me 9years ago. Initially I told myself probably it's just another incident that will leads to nowhere and soon it will go away but as time goes by, again I make the same mistake. I let my feelings stray again and I knew that if this emotion I'm not able to handle it I will be at the losing end. I tried many ways to divert my attention and focus on other issue but still deep down I knew I can't. I told myself I never allow myself to like the wrong person again. I told myself that no matter what happens in the end I would want to handle this alone and not to get anyone involve in this nonsense anymore. Long ago I told myself not to get any feelings involve and I would just want to move on without even letting anyone know what is going on. Somethings are better to left unspoken and its better to leave it this way. 9years ago I was accepted but left hanging and ultimately being abandoned. I wouldn't want to go through this anyhow. I'm trying my best and refrain myself for loving anyone again. Everything I do reminds me of you, the motivation that keeps me going on till now its all about this person. I knew that no matter what happen I can never push a cart side way and this person have the same ability like you. This person able to make me go through each day like how you able to make me go through each day. However I know its a one sided traffic and this will leads to nowhere so I decided not to repeat the same mistake again. I will seal this feeling away and soon everyone will forget about what had happen and everything will be back to normal. I still miss....
Until today I still don't understand why my life ended up so differently. Never would I expect that I will do learn and got myself into something I used to hate and never got interested with. When someone ask me why I learned Thai, if that someone were to ask me 9months ago I will said its for you, but now when I think of it why am I still learning Thai when you're gone. Everything I walked pass Cuppage Plaza, your presence lingers there and its killing deep inside. The scars you left is so pain it took me so long to heal. Whenever I look through those photo we took, its reminds me that our moments are like fireworks. After the night, everything is back to reality and things ended up so differently. You are truthful to tell me you're not good enough for me and I will end up getting hurt then why in the first place you choose me among so many people.
Don't know why when I saw you stating seeing someone special, I felt that pinch of pain. Sometimes I wonder, what's wrong with my life and why am I making the same mistake over and over again. Falling in love is nothing wrong at all but falling for the wrong person is something you wouldn't even wanna do but end up I always end up doing the same mistake. I'm tired and wounded badly, I don't know why I'm always looking for more and more problem for myself. I asked myself this question so many time over the years, when will I ever learn but again same mistake I made, same problem I brought upon myself. Is there anything wrong? Am I too clinging? Am I expecting too much? Sometime I realise when you try to find the problem and it cannot be found, I guess it lies within me. After tonight, I've made up my mind not to expect anything and decided I'm tired about all these. Not going to wait for love and look for love, this lesson I decided to give up and I think I had enough pain from all these nonsense. Every time I always end up looking like a fool and end up being in the loosing end. I'm also a human being too, I too have feelings and emotion. If this what you want me to go through in life, let me know cause I rather die. Sometime I think living in this world is worse than dying cause my life is like a living hell. Everyone thinks that I'm happy from the way they judge me as it surface on the outside but who really knows what's the feeling inside me. From the start of this year I think love is favoring me at all. Everyone I met were nice and in the end is either they went missing or treat it like a game. I no longer believe in love anymore, people are not genuine as before. There's no light at the end of the tunnel and walking for so long really wore me out. Sometimes I just wanna take a break and forget about everything. If there's a wish for me to make it come true now. I wish to forget everyone, I'm too tired and I don't even know how to continue in this journey in life. Bring me back to the old days when everything was simple and at least I still can smile and laugh like before. I no longer know myself anymore, everything is a lie. Tell me what's true in my life?
After all these while, I realised many things in life is just beyond our control. I've came to a point that I know somethings are like a cart, you can never push it side way. Things that are going to leave, you just got to let them go. Sometime I guess its not meant to be, as time goes by I know things are getting more and more tough. A lot of problem in life I don't blame anyone, I know some problem we ourselves let it happen. No matter what had happen in the past, I choose not to bring it back. Always telling myself you're not as bad as what others had said. Well, this year I realised things are happening too fast and too much. When I sit by the side of street looking at people walking up and down the crowded path, I asked myself " so many people in this place, but non of them were like you". When I look back at those photo, I know things are different and no longer the same. If time can turn back, I really hope that night will stay still and I have so many things to tell you. Even though the whole world might think you're someone with a ugly heart but deep down I know you're not that bad. I miss hearing your voice and those butterfly words. I know the second time I meet you could be the last time in my life and I might not get to see you again in my life anymore but there's nothing more I could ask for and I'm glad you're safe and sound. Somehow deep down, I still hope to see you at Bangkok. I know the chance of seeing you in Bangkok is like don't even hope for it. Well until I reach there will see how.
After a tearful and sleepless night, I realize that things are going kinda out of way. Everything seems so different now and I'm afraid what's going to happen will end our friendship. We're getting kinda used to one another and getting closer each day, everytime when my feelings start to swing away I tried to remind myself again and again what happened previously during March and April. I wouldn't wanna go through that kind o pain again and another blow of sorrow might just shattered my heart again beyond repaired. I tried to tell myself not to think too much or not to foresee anything cause this game is unpredictable and any moment the rule will change and nothing will be the same again. Sometimes I'm afraid my concern and care towards you might end up forgetting about my own safety. Each step I take, I'm constantly reminding myself that not to expect anything and again I need to remind myself of my initial intention was just friends and nothing more than that. Anything more than a friend will cause unimaginable ending. I tried to hold back my emotion but you noticed I'm not being myself. If I don't know how to take control of my emotion, things might end up badly and in the end both of us will be hurt. I need sometime to sort out my feelings and divert my attention, I can't afford to lose myself in a game of unwanted love.
Everything start from you, initially our conversation was so the mistake and now there's nothing left except doubts and regret. First time I felt so lost and I'm losing everything including myself. There's so many why and yet they can't be solve by myself alone because you're the answer to them. I tried many ways to just let go and forget about everything but it just can't be easily forget. I'm not a good player in your game and I lose terribly in this round. Why did you set up a game that's enough to kill me inside out. Your game is so heartless that I didn't even get to know the rules and had to play by ears. No matter how many times I was told that you're not the one and everything was not favor to you but I still strongly believe that you're the one I could believe. Why prove people around me that they're right and everything about you is so negative. 难道要找一个好好爱的人又那么难吗？我从不要求设么荣华富贵，只要你真心。
要我去爱一个我不爱的人，难道是你要的马？难道连我想要爱的人， 我都没有权力去选择吗？
我到底哪里不好，难道你感觉不到我对你的好吗？
These few days I cried a lot. Through out my ICT haven't been really able to concentrate a lot. I miss you so much that I hardly able to control myself. I'm going crazy and haywire. Sometimes you don't reply or delay in replay I panicked and jump into conclusion creating a lot of misunderstanding. I'm really missing you so much and tomorrow you'll be going back to Thailand for 1week or so I'm not sure. I have so much to tell you and I really hope to see you again before you leave. I need to tell myself every other minute that you are busy working everyday and working through the night is not easy and in the day you need to rest plus sometimes having hangover but again when you didn't reply promptly I will start thinking non stop and I hardly able to calm down and tears start flowing down.
Every time when I come across anything got to do with beer, Thai or tall guys it reminds me of you. I don't know if I'm able to make it next week.
I opened my option, you found me. I closed my option because of you and I don't wanna open my option also because of you. I miss you badly.